Today is not a normal email day. This is not a normal week.
Sister Cox is currently filling out our progress record and I am taking the
time to notify you all of a major change.
I'm coming home!
I don't have a flight scheduled yet, but my mission
President said that it will probably be for a late afternoon arrival on Monday.
Monday as in 3 days away Monday.
The missionary medical department has decided that it would
be better to handle my depression at home. I am actually feeling a lot of peace
about this decision, even though I had no say in it.. A week ago I did not. A
week ago I was adamant to stay out here. A week ago I was thinking about this
in the natural man. The natural man in me was very frustrated. After all - I
asked for help for 6 straight weeks before I finally received it, and then they
want to send me home before they give that help a chance to work? I began
medication about 2 weeks ago - it takes a full month before you can usually
feel the effects of it. A week ago I was pushing for them to let me stay until
transfers in 2 weeks - by then the medication would have either kicked in and I
would be fine or it wouldn't have and I would know that I needed to go
home.
I think Heavenly Father was waiting for me to realize that
this is His will. There is a sister in our stake who was not able to go on her
mission because she was diagnosed with leukemia. One of her leaders said to me,
"I guess we just have to embrace the fact that her mission is different
from others." And mine is as well.
Sunday night I met with my mission president. I was feeling
pretty devastated because it looked like I wasn't going to be able to stay.
Sister Cox suggested that I get a blessing, and so we asked Brother Eubank if
he wouldn't mind.
He spoke with us for awhile. This man is very inspired and
very in tune! Most people would offer words of comfort or hope and say,
"Maybe you'll get to stay." Or, "It'll be okay." Instead,
he looked straight at my tear-streaked face (many a woman has had a breakdown
in Kevin Eubank's home! :) and asked me, "Why are you fighting this?"
What do you mean?
He then proceeded to talk about our human ideal. We like to
plan our lives. We like to think of certain things happening in a certain time
frame. College should take 4 years. A mission should take 18 months (or 2 years
if you're a boy.) We want to be married and have children by a certain age.
Etc. But God doesn't work that way. God doesn't work within OUR time frames.
His plan is usually much different than our own.
As soon as Brother Eubank began speaking it I mentally
kicked myself. Of COURSE I know this! I've known it for a long time! College
took me longer than I wanted. I didn't get married and have kids when I wanted.
I was called to serve a mission when I was much older than I wanted!
Brother Eubank asked me why I was here. "Because God
told me to come." Alright, you came. You did what you were supposed to
do. Now you need to figure out what God wants you to do next.
He continued by giving scriptural examples. In the Book of
Mormon it begins with a family feeling impressed to depart into the wilderness
because Jerusalem was going to be destroyed. After they are camped a great
distance away, God instructs Nephi and his brothers to make the several day
journey to return to Jerusalem to get the scriptures. It takes Nephi 3 attempts
to get the scriptures - the first two times he tried to do it on his own, and
it wasn't until he trusted God that he was successful. Scriptures in hand they
make that long trek back to the wilderness, and soon after God tells Nephi that
he must return to Jerusalem again - this time to gather another family that
will travel with them. Why didn't God tell Nephi everything that he needed on
that first trip? For that matter - why didn't He tell them what they needed
before they ever left Jerusalem in the first place?? All we can say is that
those trips back and forth and back and forth in the wilderness prepared Nephi
for challenges that He would face later on. It taught him to listen to the
promptings of the Spirit, and to trust God. Even when the instruction seems
redundant or exhausting or kinda crazy.
Before that point it hadn't occurred to me that it might
actually be God's will that I go home now. Not because I can't handle the
mission or because I'm "emotionally unstable" but because God
needs me home. It seemed crazy for me that God would call me on a mission
and then send me home an entire year early. But it also seemed crazy that God
would send Nephi on his journey, and then make him return. Twice.
"Wasting" weeks of his life! Friends, that was not time wasted. That
was time of learning and growth and it did serve a purpose in God's plan.
Brother Eubank told me again that I had to figure out what
God's plan was for me - not what my plan was. My plan was to stay on the
mission until next year. Brother Eubank used another scriptural example - Jonah
and the whale. Jonah ignored the promptings and ended up spending 3 days in the
belly of a whale until he was placed on the beach where God wanted him to be in
the first place. If he had listened to those promptings originally, then his
journey would have been much more pleasant. Brother Eubank told me that if it
was God's will that I go home, that He would get me home! Wouldn't it be much
better to pray and find out for myself? That I could choose to go willingly,
rather than being dragged in the belly of a whale?
Finally he looked me square in the eye once more and said,
"Sister Tipton, I feel that I need to tell you that I have felt all along
that you KNOW what the answer is. You know what God wants, and you have known
all along."
Three months ago I felt very strongly that Bountiful would
be my only area. I couldn't explain it - I joked that I would be here for 18
months. Or I thought that I might be transferred to another area for 6 weeks
and then return to Bountiful (that's happened.) But I felt strongly that
Bountiful would be my mission. But now, with the perspective that God wants me
home, that feeling makes much more sense! It doesn't surprise me that Bountiful
Heights was my 6 month mission. :)
Everyone has said that they are making this decision for me
because they want to do what is best for me. But I have to say that I have full
confidence that as far as the depression goes, I would be completely fine once
the medication begins to really work. (I can already feel its effects) That was
why my natural man was so annoyed. I think that the depression is simply a
means to an end - my purpose here has been fulfilled, I have learned the things
that I need to learn, and it is time for me to continue on somewhere else. I
feel VERY strongly that that is true.
I then received a powerful blessing that confirmed those
feelings. I got to the point where I knew that if Missionary Medical decided
not to send me home, that I would make that decision anyway because I felt so
strongly that I am not supposed to be here anymore.
I probably would have waited until after I was transferred
away from Bountiful though. ;) Have I mentioned how much I love it here??
I don't know what Heavenly Father will call me to do next. I
do know that it's not going to be easy! My blessing promised challenges and
tasks that I would feel completely inadequate for, but reminded me that
"Whom the Lord calls, He qualifies." I am excited to see what the
coming years hold for me.
As for my immediate future: I will be phoneless and carless
(for at least the first few days!) But like every other returned missionary I
find the idea of having NOTHING to do both appalling and terrifying! So if you
have a long list of tasks to do, or want help with something, or simply want
company please let me know! I promise - you would be helping me more than I
would be helping you. It's really best that I not sit still for long periods of
time - I'm too prone to wallowing. :) This email address is good for another
month, but I should be back on facebook Monday evening. ;)
And yes. I will be teaching piano. ASAP!
Love you all! See you soon!
Sister Tipton
