Today is not a normal email day. This is not a normal week. Sister Cox is currently filling out our progress record and I am taking the time to notify you all of a major change.
I'm coming home!
I don't have a flight scheduled yet, but my mission President said that it will probably be for a late afternoon arrival on Monday. Monday as in 3 days away Monday.
The missionary medical department has decided that it would be better to handle my depression at home. I am actually feeling a lot of peace about this decision, even though I had no say in it.. A week ago I did not. A week ago I was adamant to stay out here. A week ago I was thinking about this in the natural man. The natural man in me was very frustrated. After all - I asked for help for 6 straight weeks before I finally received it, and then they want to send me home before they give that help a chance to work? I began medication about 2 weeks ago - it takes a full month before you can usually feel the effects of it. A week ago I was pushing for them to let me stay until transfers in 2 weeks - by then the medication would have either kicked in and I would be fine or it wouldn't have and I would know that I needed to go home.
I think Heavenly Father was waiting for me to realize that this is His will. There is a sister in our stake who was not able to go on her mission because she was diagnosed with leukemia. One of her leaders said to me, "I guess we just have to embrace the fact that her mission is different from others." And mine is as well.
Sunday night I met with my mission president. I was feeling pretty devastated because it looked like I wasn't going to be able to stay. Sister Cox suggested that I get a blessing, and so we asked Brother Eubank if he wouldn't mind.
He spoke with us for awhile. This man is very inspired and very in tune! Most people would offer words of comfort or hope and say, "Maybe you'll get to stay." Or, "It'll be okay." Instead, he looked straight at my tear-streaked face (many a woman has had a breakdown in Kevin Eubank's home! :) and asked me, "Why are you fighting this?"
What do you mean?
He then proceeded to talk about our human ideal. We like to plan our lives. We like to think of certain things happening in a certain time frame. College should take 4 years. A mission should take 18 months (or 2 years if you're a boy.) We want to be married and have children by a certain age. Etc. But God doesn't work that way. God doesn't work within OUR time frames. His plan is usually much different than our own.
As soon as Brother Eubank began speaking it I mentally kicked myself. Of COURSE I know this! I've known it for a long time! College took me longer than I wanted. I didn't get married and have kids when I wanted. I was called to serve a mission when I was much older than I wanted!
Brother Eubank asked me why I was here. "Because God told me to come." Alright, you came. You did what you were supposed to do. Now you need to figure out what God wants you to do next.
He continued by giving scriptural examples. In the Book of Mormon it begins with a family feeling impressed to depart into the wilderness because Jerusalem was going to be destroyed. After they are camped a great distance away, God instructs Nephi and his brothers to make the several day journey to return to Jerusalem to get the scriptures. It takes Nephi 3 attempts to get the scriptures - the first two times he tried to do it on his own, and it wasn't until he trusted God that he was successful. Scriptures in hand they make that long trek back to the wilderness, and soon after God tells Nephi that he must return to Jerusalem again - this time to gather another family that will travel with them. Why didn't God tell Nephi everything that he needed on that first trip? For that matter - why didn't He tell them what they needed before they ever left Jerusalem in the first place?? All we can say is that those trips back and forth and back and forth in the wilderness prepared Nephi for challenges that He would face later on. It taught him to listen to the promptings of the Spirit, and to trust God. Even when the instruction seems redundant or exhausting or kinda crazy.
Before that point it hadn't occurred to me that it might actually be God's will that I go home now. Not because I can't handle the mission or because I'm "emotionally unstable" but because God needs me home. It seemed crazy for me that God would call me on a mission and then send me home an entire year early. But it also seemed crazy that God would send Nephi on his journey, and then make him return. Twice. "Wasting" weeks of his life! Friends, that was not time wasted. That was time of learning and growth and it did serve a purpose in God's plan.
Brother Eubank told me again that I had to figure out what God's plan was for me - not what my plan was. My plan was to stay on the mission until next year. Brother Eubank used another scriptural example - Jonah and the whale. Jonah ignored the promptings and ended up spending 3 days in the belly of a whale until he was placed on the beach where God wanted him to be in the first place. If he had listened to those promptings originally, then his journey would have been much more pleasant. Brother Eubank told me that if it was God's will that I go home, that He would get me home! Wouldn't it be much better to pray and find out for myself? That I could choose to go willingly, rather than being dragged in the belly of a whale?
Finally he looked me square in the eye once more and said, "Sister Tipton, I feel that I need to tell you that I have felt all along that you KNOW what the answer is. You know what God wants, and you have known all along."
Three months ago I felt very strongly that Bountiful would be my only area. I couldn't explain it - I joked that I would be here for 18 months. Or I thought that I might be transferred to another area for 6 weeks and then return to Bountiful (that's happened.) But I felt strongly that Bountiful would be my mission. But now, with the perspective that God wants me home, that feeling makes much more sense! It doesn't surprise me that Bountiful Heights was my 6 month mission. :)
Everyone has said that they are making this decision for me because they want to do what is best for me. But I have to say that I have full confidence that as far as the depression goes, I would be completely fine once the medication begins to really work. (I can already feel its effects) That was why my natural man was so annoyed. I think that the depression is simply a means to an end - my purpose here has been fulfilled, I have learned the things that I need to learn, and it is time for me to continue on somewhere else. I feel VERY strongly that that is true.
I then received a powerful blessing that confirmed those feelings. I got to the point where I knew that if Missionary Medical decided not to send me home, that I would make that decision anyway because I felt so strongly that I am not supposed to be here anymore.
I probably would have waited until after I was transferred away from Bountiful though. ;) Have I mentioned how much I love it here??
I don't know what Heavenly Father will call me to do next. I do know that it's not going to be easy! My blessing promised challenges and tasks that I would feel completely inadequate for, but reminded me that "Whom the Lord calls, He qualifies." I am excited to see what the coming years hold for me.
As for my immediate future: I will be phoneless and carless (for at least the first few days!) But like every other returned missionary I find the idea of having NOTHING to do both appalling and terrifying! So if you have a long list of tasks to do, or want help with something, or simply want company please let me know! I promise - you would be helping me more than I would be helping you. It's really best that I not sit still for long periods of time - I'm too prone to wallowing. :) This email address is good for another month, but I should be back on facebook Monday evening. ;)
And yes. I will be teaching piano. ASAP!
Love you all! See you soon!